I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Is her dick bigger than yours?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
