and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
We need to rekindle our bromance
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize