she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
