i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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