I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
