Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
