Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
