There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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