Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
