Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
