I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
