Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize