I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
