Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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