Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
