Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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