I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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