Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The struggles of a small town man whore
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
