Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
