2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
