is your mom at the bar?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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