you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
