yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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