as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
