We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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