We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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