EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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