Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
