when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Can I color on your dick again?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
