she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
