So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
