we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
