Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
We left the knife in your bed.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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