Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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