Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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