oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
