If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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