i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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