It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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