Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
