I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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