I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
