She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
