He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
