Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
