They should really pass out barf bags in church
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
