its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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