Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
