I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
