Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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