so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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