I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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