I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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