You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
