Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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