I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
