My nipple is on Facebook.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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