took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
