Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
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