I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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