i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
