P.S. I can't hear my feet
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
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