so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
