Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
