My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
